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Everything posted by P38

  1. P38

    The Golden Phone

    A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches round the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall with a sign that read, "$10,000 per minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones with the same sign and the same explanation from each pastor. Finally, the man arrived in the great state of Texas. Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents" Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God.... But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is that? The pastor, smiling kindly, replied: "Son, you're in Texas now and it's a local call."
  2. P38

    A Good Italian Girl

    An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the linuxtore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You do her again."
  3. A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
  4. P38

    Swimming Pool ?

    "Hello?" Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
  5. Heightened terrorist threat levels in Europe Finally the Europeans are getting serious about the threat of terrorism. Sounds real serious to me ..... The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. And, it's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. ZOUNDS! Can it get any worse?
  6. P38

    Which would you prefer?

    I use two different camcorders. Both use mini-DV tapes. I strongly recommend tape over DVD unless you are going to get a camcorder that supports full size DVDs. The mini-dvd is more expensive than the mini-dv tape and it does not add anything to the quality of your product. I use a $1500 Sony for recording special events and some of these wind up on our local cable channel. For my portable camera, I use a Canon Elura 100. For pure quality, the Sony beats the Canon hands down (of course) but it is large and bulky and not something I would want to carry around a theme park. On the other hand, the Canon 100 will fit in the palm of my hand, the mic is excellent, and the quality of the video is better than I expected from a $300 camera. Both cameras have firewire output for playing the video into a PC. Both allow me to output the video to PC and record to tape at the same time. The tapeless (ie., HDD) camcorders are not yet able to deliver the video quality that i would expect for a camera of the $$ and you get quite a bit of noise from the drive in the ones that I have tested. My recommendation would be, if you are going to spend that much money, put your money in a mini-dv recorder. As to HD video, that is a choice you are going to have to make. The price for HD equipment is still high, although it is coming down. You can purchase a very high end SD recorder for the same money that gets you a basic HD recorder. And yes, HD is higher quality video than SD, but for recording a family event, does it really make that much difference? P38
  7. It is Gentoo all the way. It may not be perfect and it may not be for everyone, but it is for me. P38
  8. P38

    dual boot

    Describe your system a little better. Are you using a drive for windows and a drive for linux or do you have both on the same drive? Did you see any errors during the Fedora install of grub? P38
  9. i dont run ubuntu but i was able to google a solution to your problem. http://ubuntuforums.org/showpost.php?p=2493&postcount=2 hope this helps p38
  10. in response to your comments: - You have the option of compiling your own kernel in Fedora. The nice thing about Fedora is you are handed a stable system almost out of the box and this makes for a easy starting point for a beginner. - Gentoo is my preferred system. I have tried several and I settled on Gentoo when Redhat 9 went end-of-life. The package management system of Gentoo is one of it's strengths. Once you learn your way around it, it is extremely powerful. Once of Gentoo's main strengths is the community of users. The community is huge and growing and that makes identifying and fixing problems much easier than with other systems. However, and I cannot stress this enough, Gentoo has a very steep learning curve and I do not normally recommend it to someone that is just getting started in Linux. In my experience, all this does is lead that person to frustration and eventually a path back to the easy (dark) side.... ie., windows. - Slackware is the oldest surviving distro and has many believers. It, like all distros, has its strengths and its weaknesses. On MY rating scale, it would be my 2nd choice behind Gentoo. Each person has their own list of requirements and that is how each person has to choose their idea distro and system. #linux-noob is on the EFNET chat network. How you join a channel depends on the client you are using. If you are using a gui based client, it will be a menu option. If you are using a command line client (like irssi), the command is /join #linux-noob gl P38
  11. P38


    well, they spent a lot of time on the paint and trim but what is under the hood?
  12. znx is, as usual, correct here. Remove sendmail from the box and install postfix. As a long time sendmail user converted to postfix, I can tell you that you are much better off with postfix and your configuration will be much less of a headache. P38
  13. Welcome to the forum. That is what we are here for. Pick a distro, read the install documentation and get it on your machine. If you get stuck, ask here or join us in IRC channel #linux-noob on efnet and ask us there. Remember, everyone starts out with Linux at the same place... at the beginning. P38
  14. Well, as the saying goes, "Famous last words" Where once it was working, now it is broken and I can find nothing that has changed. I'm not going to start a HOWTO or such on installing the package until after mine is working. Sorry for the misdirection. P38
  15. copy the .config from the /usr/src/linux-??? of your previous kernel in to the /usr/src/linux dir of your new kernel. In the new kernel's dir, run make oldconfig. If there are differences between the config of the old kernel and the new kernel, the script will prompt you for each of them and offer you the choice of Yes/No/Module (where applicable) for each of them. Answer them all and at the end, the script will write you a new .config. After that completes, run make menuconfig and make any additional changes you need/want to make for the new kernel. Then make && make install_modules etc One suggestion, when changing to a new kernel, if you have other changes you need to make, make them one at a time and compile and boot into your new kernel at each step. If you make several changes and one of them breaks the system, it is sometimes hard to figure out which caused the break. P38
  16. Well, I finally listened to Randall and took the plunge into the freenx arena. This is one sweet program. An interesting point, the NX product uses ssh as the transport layer. It works by setting up a ssh connection from the client to the server and, on the server side, executing a program via ssh to start the desktop. The display is transported back to the client over the ssh connection and displayed at on the client side. Keeping this in mind when you setup the keys for the NX connection is important. It took me a few minutes to understand why the private key was installed on the client side and the public key installed at the server... but this became obvious when the connection is compared to any other rsa-auth connection via ssh. I have installed and tested the NXserver on a linux server with the NXclient running on a windows machine. The speed is amazing. It leaves VNC and Rdesktop in the dust .... in my opinion. I will be following this post with more details with the problems that I had and what I had to do to resolve them. P38
  17. P38

    Only a Southerner.....

    Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly." Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table. All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (And there is no vinegar in the potato salad) If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin! Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20. Only a Southerner, knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody! Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all." Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way. To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart! And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, y'all need a sign to hang on y'all's front porch that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could." Amen.........and bless your heart!!
  18. P38


    For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree.... TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives: EAT 201 Cooking with Tofu EAT 202 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 203 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
  19. Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So, you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man. "Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."
  20. P38


    Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church, but only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yes. What do you think that means?" "That means we're Pisscopalians"
  21. P38

    Quick Thinking

    An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some apples. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until l you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old men can still think fast.
  22. P38

    survey results

    A recent survey was conducted. "Why do men like blow jobs?" 10% like the feeling 12% like the dominance 78% like the silence
  23. Instructions on how to clean your toilet 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog
  24. P38

    Doctor's humor

    Little doctor humor which is supposed to be for real. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one. Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." and finally... A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. wouldn't admit his name
  25. P38

    Nurse, Nurse

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them." The man pulls off his oxygen mask and struggles to speak clearly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely " "are... my... test...results...back?"
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