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About kristian

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    Linux-Noob Frequent Member
  • Birthday 10/28/1978

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    beer, girlfriend and having fun with friends!!
  1. kristian


    An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
  2. Heres a few jokes - enjoy! Six Classic Affairs The 1st Affair: A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" The 2nd Affair: A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!" The 3rd Affair: A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!" The 4th Affair: A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing." The 5th Affair: A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." The 6th Affair: Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work." ************************* HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell --- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services." Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right --- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton
  3. kristian


    This guy has my vote for best payback of the year!!!!!!! You gotta love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University, South Carolina. It was in the local newspaper. Even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and her family and to especially thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge -- making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think they might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends ... $32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the affair... $3,000. Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui ... $8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride having sex with the best man ... Priceless! There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!
  4. let me add that you now have almost 600 members!!! wow i must say.... very impressive... hope that some of them came as a result of the add you have on os news.... any stats on that one btw??? /kris
  5. thanks i did have a great day, work..... but then i had a lovely dinner with my dad, so that was nice! /kris
  6. Dude you are so lucky to have two lovely boys that love you. I hope someday to be as lucky as you! Know that you mean the world to them, and be sure that you tell them that you love them every day! That way they will grow up and understand how important family is! Your friend in Denmark! Cheers, /Kris PS. Any news about New Years Eve? PPS: i also agree with P38 they sure are lucky they dont look like you.... hehehehe.... sorry but it was too easy!!!
  7. Frankie is back: http://www.beecy.net/frank/ trun up the volume, and enjoy this classic.... /kris
  8. http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html - this is great! If this site wont make you smile i dont know what will! /Kris
  9. can you live without it???? This must have item is soooo cool!! Imagin waking up sunday morning with a massive hangover, (shouldnt be hard) now crawl to the fridge and get a 6 pack, pick up a DVD on your way and jump into a nice hot bath and watch a good movie on you build-in 42" tv.... what better way to cure a hangover? I want one! Check it out @ http://techdigestuk.typepad.com/tech_diges...vy_jacuzzi.html or http://products.jacuzzi.com/nd/WpbProdInfo...?&PG=La%20Scala /kris
  10. Id go with the problem add, it has a very clear message and is precise and to the point. If it was I, I would be most likely to click that add of the three, and also I like the fonts used in that add best /kris
  11. hehehe..... well let me help - why dont you just give one to me and that way let me help making space in your office again... /kris
  12. cool, he's soooo big now.... cant wait to see him again! He looks like he's a very happy boy, but then again why wouldnt he? /kris
  13. Heres a bit more to help you on the way.... hope that somebody will contribute some so that you can start running the adds soon. Payment Details Amount: 50.00 EUR Transaction ID: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Quantity: 1 Item/Product Name: linux-noob.com forums donation Item/Product Number: 1 Buyer: Kristian Skov Cheers, /Kris
  14. kristian


    heres a few.... some old ones but hey why not.....? ****************************** A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy-dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After some more to drink he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" And the husband returned, "Actually I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had a whale of a time" ********************************' In an airplane the captain told the passengers: "This is your Captain speaking. We are loosing height and we do not have fuel enough for reaching land. Therefore, we have to let all baggage leave the airplane." The airplane got height again. Half a our later the airplane lost height again and the captain were on the loudspeakers once more: "This is your captain speaking. We are still loosing height, and we can not reach land without having some passengers to leave the plane. It is a bad situation but we will do this in an honest and democratic way - we will use the alphabet - starting with A. Are there any African passengers?" No one answered. Are there any Black passengers?" Still no one answered. Are there any Coloured passengers?" Still no one answered but back in the airplane a little boy asked his father: "Dad, you have always told me to be honest. We are both from Africa and have black coloured skin." "Yes, my son. That is right. But today we are Niggers".
  15. kristian


    LOL! Sorry dude couldnt help myself, just had to share this one with someone! /Kris
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