Linux-Noob Forums - Jokes

What's your address?

Tue, 03 Jul 2018 13:04:45 +0200

In text message:

Female: Hey! What's your address?

Male: 173.1.68.15.10

Female: No, your local address.

Male: 127.0.0.1

Female: Oh you geeky nerd!! I mean your physical address

Male: 29:01:3B:62:31:C8

[img]<___base_url___>//public/style_emoticons/default/laugh.png[/img][img]<___base_url___>//public/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.png[/img] [img]<___base_url___>//public/style_emoticons/default/laugh.png[/img]

Webdude vs Salesguy LOL

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 20:43:59 +0200

1. Sales Guy vs. Web Dude

bin ladin lol

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 10:48:18 +0200

I found this on the web, was going to wait for 911 but thought I'd be a bit more respectful and post it now [img]<___base_url___>//public/style_emoticons/default/wink.png[/img] lol

obama@whitehouse:~$ sudo chmod +x /bin/laden

if you're in IT you have got to see this

Fri, 27 May 2011 06:47:05 +0200

I don't know if you already know this website, but if you work in the IT you have got to see this:

http://www.thewebsiteisdown.com/

then go to videos (start with episode 1) First time I watched these videos I couldn't stop laughing

Enjoy!!!

joke

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 03:34:51 +0200

A guy and his wife go to the drs to talk about him not getting it up any more, the pills ain't working......so the dr says well we now do an opp its completely new where we attach a baby elephants trunk and make that work as your penis, so the old boy reluctantly gets his old man sorted and he gets it done but they are told they have got to wait until its all better, well they were going to a family function some time later but still under orders!

In the mean time at the do his wife cant hold back and gets it out under the table.......and about that time they then come round with their meals but just as the guy starts to eat his dinner an elephants trunk pops up and grabs a potato.....shocked by that, all the family stop eating......

Then the guys mother-in-law says did I just see that ? the guy says yes, I just had an opp to make my penis work again and thats what they used to fix it, but, she then says can I see it again and the guy says I guess so but I don't know if I can take another potato up my arse!

Local jokes

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 17:55:34 +0200

This is an old joke for me and after reading loads of yours I figured it was time for one of mine!

At school the kids are asked to use the word contagious in a sentence... so who can tell me the teacher asks

The first kid says I had chicken spots and I had to stay away from others because it was contagious. very good the teacher replied

The second kid said my mom's a nurse and she said there were people at the hospital who have to be in separate rooms sometimes because the are contagious. that's great the teacher replies

The third child to answer said painting a fence with a small brush

Puzzled, how asked the teacher.

Well my dad said our neighbour was painting their fence with a little brush and he said that's going to take that silly contagious.

[img]<___base_url___>/uploads/emoticons/default_ohmy.png[/img]

Joke

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 16:01:55 +0200

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

A few jokes for the weekend

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 10:04:20 +0200

Heres a few jokes - enjoy! [img]<___base_url___>/uploads/emoticons/default_rolleyes.gif[/img][img]<___base_url___>/uploads/emoticons/default_rolleyes.gif[/img]

Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they

fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and

rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about

having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at

the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind

my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a

startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever

seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be

cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for

posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the

front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so

much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a

sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days

at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a

bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your

best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

*************************

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!

What the hell --- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party

atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this

country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,

thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could

charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the

tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked

women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline

industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we

handle it right --- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything

myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Beware of the tiny landlord

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 12:13:26 +0200

[/url][url=http://funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?vi...24c7d2583be6925]http://funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?vi...24c7d2583be6925

The Golden Phone

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:52:31 +0200

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches

round the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started

working east from there.

Going to a very large church he began taking photographs and

making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall with a sign that

read, "$10,000 per minute."

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign.

The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to

Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City,

Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more

such phones with the same sign and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the great state of Texas. Upon entering a

church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS

time, the sign read:

"Calls: 25 cents"

Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in

each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it

is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God....

But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute.

Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is that?

The pastor, smiling kindly, replied: "Son, you're in Texas now and it's a local call."

A Good Italian Girl

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:49:33 +0200

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the linuxtore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You do her again."

Chevrolet Avalanche For Sale

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:46:35 +0200

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and

his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that

truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet

Avalanche cost.

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."So the

parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that

for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name -

they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I

wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who

knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see

what's going on."So the boy's father walked up the street to the house

where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting

petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she

had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to

know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I

thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had

ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come

back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new

Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

Swimming Pool ?

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:44:17 +0200

"Hello?"

Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom

door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and

ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on

the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared

and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I

guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

Heightened terrorist threat levels in Europe

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:22:33 +0200

Heightened terrorist threat levels in Europe

Finally the Europeans are getting serious about the threat of

terrorism. Sounds real serious to me .....

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist

threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or

even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the

blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been

re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time

the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the

great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its

terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in

France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by

a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively

paralyzing the country's military capability.

And, it's not only the English and French that are on a heightened

level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly

and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels

remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful

Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also

have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new

Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

ZOUNDS! Can it get any worse?

Did you wipe this morning?

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 15:42:51 +0200