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Midweek fun

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."


The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be sillydear,you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"


The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegalradar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darnit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"


The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."


The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."


The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


"Only when he's been drinking."





A young girl was going on a date, so she sought out the advice of her grandmother. Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about boys. Your date is going to try and kiss you, and you're going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, and you're going to like that, too, but don't let him do that. Most importantly, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, too, but don't let him do that! It will disgrace the family!" With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day, she told grandma that her date went just as she'd predicted. She said, "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried to have his way with me, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced his family!"




A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.


The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."


The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."


The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."


The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way."


The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.


The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while. Then he leaned over and said to the priest, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."




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