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The Ant and the Grasshopper - Printable Version

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The Ant and the Grasshopper - P38 - 2005-05-01


Traditional Version:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's

a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter,

the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so

he dies out in the cold.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself and plan for the future.

 

Modern Version:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's

a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter,

the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know

why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are

cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of

the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable

home with a table filled with food.

 

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a

country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody

cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages

a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film

the group singing "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel

down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Tom Daschle & John

Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten

rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax

hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Al Sharpton appears on

all the major news outlets to promote his "million grasshopper march",

claiming he is outraged by the speciesism of the ant. His "million

grasshopper march" manages to only muster up 200-300 grasshoppers,

but is covered extensively by the major media a major success and a

turning point in the grasshopper rights movement. Finally, the EEOC

drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti Grasshopper Act," retroactive to

the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a

proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his

retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary then

gets involved and holds a rally. After complaining about the "vast

antcolony conspiracy", she promises to get her old law firm to represent

the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant. The case moves

forward and is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed

from a list of single parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case. The

story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's

food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the

ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The

ant has disappeared in the snow. A month later, the grasshopper, after

again being hungry because he ate the the ant's entire winter supply of

food, is found dead in a drug related incident. The house, now abandoned,

is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful

neighborhood.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican