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A few jokes for the weekend

Heres a few jokes - enjoy! [img]<___base_url___>/uploads/emoticons/default_rolleyes.gif[/img][img]<___base_url___>/uploads/emoticons/default_rolleyes.gif[/img]



Six Classic Affairs


The 1st Affair:


A married man was having an affair with his secretary.


One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they

fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.


The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and

rub them in the grass and dirt.


He put on his shoes and drove home.


"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.


"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon."


"You lying bastard!


You've been playing golf!"




The 2nd Affair:


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about

having a son.


They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.


The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.


The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.


He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.


He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at

the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind

my back?"


The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"




The 3rd Affair:


A mortician was working late one night.


He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a

startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever



"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be

cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for



So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.


"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.


"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"




The 4th Affair:


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the

front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."


She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.


"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."


"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.


"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so

much I got one for us, too."


No more was said, not even when they went to bed.


Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a

sandwich and a beer.


"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days

at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."




The 5th Affair:


A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.


"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."


"One Cent?" the man thought.


He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a

bottle of wine?"


"A nickel," the barman replied.


"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"


The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."


The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"


The bartender replied,


"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."




The 6th Affair:


Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.


He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."


"There's no need to," his wife replied.


"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your

best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"


"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."






Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!

What the hell --- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?


The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party

atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this

country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.


Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,

thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could

charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the

tips, including lap dances and "special services."


Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked

women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline

industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we

handle it right --- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.


Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything




Bill Clinton


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