A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches

round the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started

working east from there.

 

Going to a very large church he began taking photographs and

making notes.

 

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall with a sign that

read, "$10,000 per minute."

 

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign.

 

The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to

Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

 

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

 

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City,

Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more

such phones with the same sign and the same explanation from each pastor.

 

Finally, the man arrived in the great state of Texas. Upon entering a

church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS

time, the sign read:

 

"Calls: 25 cents"

 

Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.

 

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in

each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it

is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God....

 

But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute.

 

Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is that?

 

The pastor, smiling kindly, replied: "Son, you're in Texas now and it's a local call."

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the linuxtore and buys a pregnancy kit.

 

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

 

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

 

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

 

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

 

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

 

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

 

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

 

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

 

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

 

"You do her again."

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and

his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that

truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

 

"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet

Avalanche cost.

 

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."So the

parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that

for fifteen dollars?" they said.

 

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name -

they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I

wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."

 

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who

knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see

what's going on."So the boy's father walked up the street to the house

where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting

petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she

had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to

know why she did it.

 

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I

thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had

ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come

back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new

Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

"Hello?"

 

Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

 

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

 

Brief Pause.

 

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom

door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

 

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

 

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

 

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

 

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and

ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on

the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

 

"Oh my God!!!

 

What about your Uncle Paul?"

 

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared

and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I

guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

 

***Long Pause***

 

***Longer Pause***

 

***Even Longer Pause***

 

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

Heightened terrorist threat levels in Europe

 

Finally the Europeans are getting serious about the threat of

terrorism. Sounds real serious to me .....

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist

threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or

even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the

blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been

re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time

the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the

great fire of 1666.

 

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its

terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in

France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by

a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively

paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

And, it's not only the English and French that are on a heightened

level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly

and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels

remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful

Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also

have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new

Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

 

ZOUNDS! Can it get any worse?

Quote:This book is meant for software developers and managers who are considering starting an open source project, or who have started one and are wondering what to do now. It should also be helpful for people who just want to participate in an open source project but have never done so before. 

The reader need not be a programmer, but should know basic software engineering concepts such as source code, compilers, and patches.

 

Prior experience with open source software, as either a user or a developer, is not necessary. Those who have worked in free software projects before will probably find at least some parts of the book a bit obvious, and may want to skip those sections. Because there's such a potentially wide range of audience experience, I've made an effort to label sections clearly, and to say when something can be skipped by those already familiar with the material.

Quote:Gaim, the ubiquitous open source instant messaging program, in order to settle a lawsuit with America Online, was renamed "Pidgin" last week. The derivative projects, libgaim and gaim-text will be renamed libpurple and Finch respectively. The new website is at pigdin.im, but it's currently pointing to the Gaim sourceforge site. Pidgin 2.0.0, in development for well over a year, is expected this week.

Quote:"The Debian Project is pleased to announce the official release of Debian GNU/Linux version 4.0, codenamed etch, after 21 months of constant development. Debian GNU/Linux is a free operating system which supports a total of eleven processor architectures and includes the KDE, GNOME and Xfce desktop environments. It also features cryptographic software and compatibility with the FHS v2.3 and software developed for version 3.1 of the LSB. Using a now fully integrated installation process, Debian GNU/Linux 4.0 comes with out-of-the-box support for encrypted partitions. This release introduces a newly developed graphical frontend to the installation system supporting scripts using composed characters and complex languages; the installation system for Debian GNU/Linux has now been translated to 58 languages." Update: Debian 3.1r6 has also been released.

So I have moved from Gentoo -> To Debian (Still left Gentoo on my Pentium III)

 

I can't EFFING "apt-get install conky"

 

Ive been using gentoo and emerging stuff since forever, whats wrong with apt-get ????

 

Can anyone help walk me through it..

Quote:"IceWM is perfect for Windows' 'immigrants' especially for users with older computers. IceWM will be suitable for advanced users who are looking for a lightweight and simple window manager." More here.