A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland

at midnight.

 

During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding

tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base,

and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

 

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the

aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors

and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which

takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than

enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about

the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not

risk criticism later.

 

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your

attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm

going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but

punished."

 

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,

stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son;

I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule,

Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are

beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-

thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero

and my job here is to pump shit from your aircraft. Now, just

exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind? "

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

 

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

 

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

 

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)

 

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

 

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

 

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

 

"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

 

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

 

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

 

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)

 

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

 

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

 

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

 

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

 

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

 

Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was

going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the

fairway and fell straight down to the ground, after going only about 100 yards."

 

"Is that when you swore?"

 

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and

grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

 

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

 

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came

down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

 

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

 

No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the

green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

 

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

 

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,

rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."

 

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and put

her head in her hands and said, "Oh God. You missed the fscking putt, didn't you?"

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a

bottle of imalamer in his son's medicine cabinet.

 

 

He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you

should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

 

 

"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

 

 

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under

your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

 

 

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow.

 

 

He called and said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

 

 

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

Lifesavers

 

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders

using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of

lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and

flavor.

 

The children began to say:

 

Red............cherry

Yellow.........lemon

Green.......lime

Orange.........orange

 

 

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for

a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste. "Well" he said,

"I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your

father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,

"Oh, my God! They're assholes!"

A man bumps into a woman and says "So sorry ma'am. If your heart is as soft as your breasts, you will forgive me "The lady replies: "If your dick is as hard as your elbow... I'm in room 603"

 

Girls reaction to penis sizes:

# 9'' - oh shit pain!

# 7'' - oh yes, yum!

# 6'' - oh perfect!

# 5'' - mmm ok!

# 4'' - push more

# 3'' - is it in?

# 2'' - idiot! Just use your tongue.

 

Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Airport (flat)

B - Barely there

C - Can do

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fake

 

Women are unpredictable:

Before marriage, she expects a man.

After marriage, she suspects her man.

And finally --

After his death, she respects him.

 

Why are married women fatter than single one's?

Singles come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed; whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed & go to the fridge.

 

During pregnancy:

The 1st three months, do it the normal style

Next three months do it the doggy style

And the last three months do it the wolf style --

They sit alone outside the mate's hole and howl.

 

All couples have different phases of sex life:

Age 20 - Day and Night

Age 28 - Every Night

Age 38 - Fri Night

Age 48 - Once a month

Age 58 - only feelings

 

Latest statistics on 'what men do after SEX???

2% - eat

3% - smoke cigarettes

4% - take a shower

5% - go to sleep

86% - get up and go back home to their wife.

 

What did Newton's dick say to him after seeing a nude woman?

"truck you and your law of gravity, I'm goin UP."

 

Man was sobbing in a bar. His friend asked 'why?'

He said: "my wife makes me pay $ 100.00 for good lay!"

Friend said: "you're lucky, she charges others $ 250.00"

 

Lady scolds her maid for inefficiency.

The angry maid says, "at least am better than you in bed."

Lady, with an amazed look asks: "Did boss tell you this?"

Maid: "No, the driver did."

 

What is common between a passionate kiss and a spider?

"Both lead to the undoing of the fly".

 

What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

"After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."

 

Eve: "Adam, do you love me?"

Adam: "No, I don't."

Eve (crying): "Then why did you make love to me?"

Adam: "Hello!!! As if I had other choices."

 

 

A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is 300% impotent. The doc asks "how 300%?" She says: "you know about the 100%, and now he has broken his finger and burnt his tongue."

 

 

25 useless things in a man:

20 nails

02 nipples that don't milk

02 balls that you cannot play with. &

01 stop that does not lay egg.

 

Teacher: "why buffaloes get depressed after milking?

Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours & then you are left untrucked how would feel?

 

Policeman arrested a prostitute.

Prostitute: "I'm not selling sex!

Policeman: "Then what are you doing?"

Prostitute: "I'm selling condoms and offering free demo.

Here are a few to get things started:

 

 

 

 

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

 

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

 

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That

way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

 

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than

going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

 

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never

tried before.

 

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

 

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

 

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

 

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

 

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

 

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

 

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

 

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

 

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

 

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

 

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

 

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

 

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

 

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

 

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

 

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

 

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

 

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

 

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

 

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Ralph returns from his annual physical and tells his wife that the doctor has given

him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife if they can

make love. Naturally, she agrees.

 

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know, I

have only 18 more hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

 

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

 

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has

only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just

one more time before I die ?" she says, "Of course, dear."

 

And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and

falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns

until he's down to 4 more hours.

 

Panicy now, he taps his wife. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we

could.....?"

 

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Damn it, Ralph, I have to get up in the

morning --- you don't!!"

Fireman Sex!

 

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,

"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,

BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

 

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL2, I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.

"The next night he came home from work and yelled,

"BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

 

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

 

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

 

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."