The Pope and the Rabbi

 

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert

or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so

the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader

of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the

Pope won, they would have to leave.

 

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to

represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and

the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent"

debate.

 

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for

a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

 

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

 

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.

 

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

 

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

 

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

 

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi

 

Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

 

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

 

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still

only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to

show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the

ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the

wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled

out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I

could not continue."

 

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe.

"How did you win the debate?" they asked.

 

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three

days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me

that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him,

we're staying right here."

 

"And then what," asked a woman.

 

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess stops them and says "Sorry sir, only one carrion

per passenger."

 

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for

experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the

world.

 

3. Two boll weevils grew up in S Carolina. One took off to Hollywood

and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never

amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two

weevils.

 

4. 2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which

sank the craft - proving the old adage you can't have your kayak

and heat it too.

 

5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar

and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and

refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the

lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess

tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour,

and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting

in an open foyer.

 

8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an

Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish

family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother

a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her

husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies,

"They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see

Ahmal!!"

 

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry

payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their

business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business

was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars,

so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars

refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down.

Again they refused.. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the

biggest meanest thug in town.. He went to the Friars' shop, beat

them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that

if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the

Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh,

and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which

created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very

little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered

from very bad breath. This made him ....what? (This is so bad it's

good...)--a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

11. And finally, ...there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in

hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately

no pun in ten did!!!

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing

happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

 

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided

to send it to the President.

 

The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the

little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a

lot of money to a little boy.

 

 

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a

thank-you note to God, which read:

 

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed

that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those

assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

All I Need to Learn about Life I learned from the Easter Bunny!

 

a. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

b. Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

c. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

 

a.. There's no such thing as too much candy.

b. All work and no play can make you a basket case.

c. A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

 

a.. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

b.. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

c. Some body parts should be floppy.

 

a.. Keep you paws off other people's jellybeans.

b.. Good things come in small-sugarcoated packages.

c. The grass is greener in someone else's basket.

 

a.. An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

b. To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell.

c. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon -- Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

 

On a Septic Tank Truck sign -- We're #1 in the #2 business.

 

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office -- Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

 

At a Proctologist's door -- To expedite your visit please back in.

 

On a Plumber's truck -- We repair what your husband fixed.

 

On a Plumber's truck -- Don't sleep with a drip. Call your Plumber.

 

Pizza Shop Slogan -- 7 days without pizza makes one weak.

 

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee -- Invite us to your next blowout.

 

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door -- Hello. Can we pick your nose?

 

At a Towing company -- We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

 

On an Electrician's truck -- Let us remove your shorts.

 

In a Nonsmoking Area -- If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

 

On a Maternity Room door -- Push. Push. Push.

 

At an Optometrist's Office -- If you don't see what you're looking for you've come to the right place.

 

On a Taxidermist's window -- We really know our stuff.

 

In a Podiatrist's office -- Time wounds all heels.

 

On a Fence -- Salesmen welcome!

 

Dog food is expensive -- At a Car Dealership.

 

The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment.

 

Outside a Muffler Shop -- No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

 

In a Veterinarian's waiting room -- Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

 

At the Electric Company -- We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.

 

In a Restaurant window -- Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.

 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home -- Drive carefully. We'll wait.

 

At a Propane Filling Station, Thank heaven for little grills.

 

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop -- Best place in town to take a leak.

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...

(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

 

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...

(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

 

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....

(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

 

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....

(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

 

5. Someday I hope to marry...

(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

 

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....

(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

 

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...

(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

 

8. We've been friends for a very long time...

(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

 

9. I'm so miserable without you...

(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

 

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....

(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

 

11. You are such a good friend. If we we're on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...

(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

 

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday..

(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

 

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Northern Florida, Alabama, Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)

 

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...

(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

 

Smart man + smart woman = romance

 

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

 

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

 

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

 

 

 

SHOPPING MATH

 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

 

 

 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

 

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

 

 

HAPPINESS

 

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

 

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

 

 

 

LONGEVITY

 

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

 

 

 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

 

 

 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

 

A woman has the last word in any argument.

 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

 

 

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

 

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in

her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the

remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by

first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in

mind that these are first graders... 6 year-olds, because the last one is a

classic!

 

 

Better to be safe than..................punch a 5th grader.

 

Strike while the .......bug is close.

 

It's always darkest before............Daylight Saving Time.

 

Never underestimate the power of..........termites.

 

You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

 

Don't bite the hand that.............looks dirty.

 

No news is..............................impossible.

 

A miss is as good as a..............Mister.

 

You can't teach an old dog new..........math.

 

If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning.

 

Love all, trust......................me.

 

The pen is mightier than the............pigs.

 

An idle mind is............the best way to relax.

 

Where there's smoke there's........pollution.

 

Happy the bride who......................gets all the presents.

 

A penny saved is............................not much.

 

Two's company, three's..................the Musketeers.

 

Don't put off till tomorrow what........you put on to go to bed.

 

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.

 

There are none so blind as...............Stevie Wonder.

 

Children should be seen and not.........spanked or grounded.

 

If at first you don't succeed..............get new batteries.

 

You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.

 

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

 

And the favorite:

 

Better late than...........................pregnant!!!!

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided 11

 

was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to

his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have

any more children.

 

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that

could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

 

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry

bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put

it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his left ear and count to 10.

 

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest coon in the

tree, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my

left ear is going to fix my problem."

 

"Trust me," said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held

the can up to his left ear and began to count:

 

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

 

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and

resumed counting on his other hand.

 

 

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia,

Northern Florida, Arkansas, parts of Texas, and Missouri.

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?"

 

"Are you nuts?" she replies and keeps walking.

 

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

 

"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

 

So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would

you let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"

 

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm... 10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

 

So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most

perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and

starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them....but not biting.

 

Finally the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or what?"

 

"Nah," he replies. "Costs too much."