Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?

A. Conception.

 

Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?

A. No theme song.

 

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace.

 

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name

requested?

A. Obsession

 

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until

you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

 

Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and

laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.

 

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

 

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the

year?

A. Father's Day

 

Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most

ironic?

A. He was allergic to carrots.

 

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?

A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

 

Did you know...

 

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television

were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

 

Coca-Cola was originally green.

 

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear & smell better.

 

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska.

 

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

 

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

 

The average number of people airborne over the US at any given hour:

61,000.

 

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

 

That San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

 

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from

History:

Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne;

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

 

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

 

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in

the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the

air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse

has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

 

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John

Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but

the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

 

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

 

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South

Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber

machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the

fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "The whole

9 yards."

 

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them

looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

 

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which

stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

 

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the

"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

 

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each

gallon of diesel that it burns

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports

games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the

Major League All-stars Game.

 

The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosey" is a rhyme about the plague.

Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring

around the rosey"), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would

put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would

cover the smell of the sores("a pocket full of posies"). Furthermore, people

who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread

of the disease ("ashes, ashes, we all fall down."

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20

for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

 

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30

years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes.

 

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few

minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and its effects on his

career. Finally, she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital. Pointing to the

fine structure, she informed him that he owned the land it was built on

and that they paid him $6,000 per month rent. She handed him a bank book showing

deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she

gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and

informed him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

 

She told him that for years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her

investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him

why he was so disappointed at such good news and he replied,

 

IF I WOULD HAD KNOW THIS I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU ALL MY BUSINESS

Traditional Version:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's

a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter,

the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so

he dies out in the cold.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself and plan for the future.

 

Modern Version:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's

a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter,

the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know

why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are

cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of

the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable

home with a table filled with food.

 

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a

country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody

cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages

a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film

the group singing "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel

down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Tom Daschle & John

Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten

rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax

hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Al Sharpton appears on

all the major news outlets to promote his "million grasshopper march",

claiming he is outraged by the speciesism of the ant. His "million

grasshopper march" manages to only muster up 200-300 grasshoppers,

but is covered extensively by the major media a major success and a

turning point in the grasshopper rights movement. Finally, the EEOC

drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti Grasshopper Act," retroactive to

the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a

proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his

retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary then

gets involved and holds a rally. After complaining about the "vast

antcolony conspiracy", she promises to get her old law firm to represent

the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant. The case moves

forward and is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed

from a list of single parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case. The

story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's

food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the

ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The

ant has disappeared in the snow. A month later, the grasshopper, after

again being hungry because he ate the the ant's entire winter supply of

food, is found dead in a drug related incident. The house, now abandoned,

is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful

neighborhood.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican

BODY MEETING

 

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

 

 

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

 

 

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

 

 

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

 

 

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

 

 

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

 

 

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

 

 

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

 

 

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

 

 

The Moral of the story?

 

 

The asshole is usually in charge.

NAIL IN THE FENCE

 

There once was a little boy who had a bad

 

temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails

 

and told him that every time he lost his

 

temper, he must hammer a nail into the back

 

of the fence. The first day the boy had

 

driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next

 

few weeks, as he learned to control his

 

anger, the number of nails hammered daily

 

gradually dwindled down. He discovered

 

it was easier to hold his temper than to

 

drive those nails into the fence.

 

Finally the day came when the boy didn't

 

lose his temper at all. He told his father

 

about it and the father suggested that the

 

boy now pull out one nail for each day that

 

he was able to hold his temper.

 

The days passed and the young boy was finally

 

able to tell his father that all the nails

 

were gone. The father took his son by the

 

hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You

 

have done well, my son, but look at the

 

holes in the fence. The fence will never be

 

the same. When you say things in anger,

 

they leave a scar just like this one. You

 

can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

 

It won't matter how many times you say I'm

 

sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal

 

wound is as bad as a physical one.

 

 

Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole.

<>A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French,

nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically

designated as masculine or feminine.

 

'House' for example, is feminine in French (la maison) whilst 'pencil'

is masculine (le crayon). One puzzled student asked "What gender is

'computer?" The teacher did not know and the word wasn't in her

French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups,

appropriately by gender, and asked them to decide whether 'computer'

should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to

give four reasons for their recommendations.

 

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the

feminine gender = 'la computer', because:

 

1. No-one but their creator understands their internal logic

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in the long-term memory for

possible later retrieval, and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending

half your salary on accessories for it.

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

masculine = 'le computer', because:

 

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on

2. They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half

the time they are the problem, and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd

waited a little bit longer you could have got a better model!

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

 

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?

 

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

 

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

 

Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Democrat's Answer:

 

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

 

Does the man look poor or Oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

 

Could we run away?

 

What does my wife think?

 

What about the kids?

 

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

 

What does the law say about this situation?

 

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

 

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

 

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

 

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

 

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

 

Should I call 9-1-1?

 

Why is this street so deserted?

 

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, ealthier street that would discourage such behavior.

 

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Republican's Answer: BANG!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....

 

(sounds of reloading)

 

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

 

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??"

Some of these are absolutly true: I leave it up to you to figure out which is which.

 

P38

 

Southern expressions

 

1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

 

2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

 

3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

 

4. Have a cup of coffee--it's already been "saucered and blowed."

 

5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.

 

6. It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.

 

7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.

 

8. He's as country as cornflakes.

 

9. This is gooder'n grits.

 

10. I've been busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

 

11. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

 

12. I'm bout as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

 

13. I'm as busy as a moth in a mitten.

 

14. Happy as a clam at high tide.

 

 

 

Notices to Northerners moving to the South:

 

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed why shortly.

 

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay

home the two days of the year it snows.

 

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a

 

four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't

try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

 

4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions

of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

 

5. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

 

6. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.

 

7. The first Southern _expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as in "big ol truck", or "big ol boy". "Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd; it's harder to use. Remember:

Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

 

8. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the

middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere

and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

 

9. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

 

10. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

 

11. The wardrobe you always brought out in Sept. can wait until Dec.

 

12. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule

accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, you gotta try to buy bread and milk

before they run out --- in about 40 mins. It is just something you're supposed to do if you're Southern.

 

13. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is

positioned directly in front of the house....This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish

cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently

displayed.

 

14. Be advised that in the South "He needed kill'n!" is a valid, legal defense.

What if these people had Jewish mothers?

 

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

 

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:

"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write!

 

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"

 

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

" You

15 RULES for Dogs

 

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a

specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog

house.

 

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his

own house is under renovation.

 

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his

dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

 

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined

to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

 

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog

house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.

 

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

 

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

 

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the

old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new

furniture...upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

 

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

 

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

 

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the

covers.

 

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the

pillow.

 

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head

on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

 

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but

he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I am now

sleeping. That's just not fair.

 

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary

resident," even if it's true.

 

QUOTES (from the famous and otherwise)..........

 

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of

his tongue." - Anonymous

 

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are

wonderful." -

Ann Landers

 

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they

went." -

Will Rogers

 

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -

Ben Williams

 

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves

himself." -

Josh Billings

 

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -

Andrew A. Rooney

 

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love

we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal

man has ever made." - M. Facklam

 

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who

are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." -

Sigmund Freud

 

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have

known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -

James Thurber

 

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water

bowl." -

Penny Ward Moser

 

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times

before lying down." - Robert Benchley

 

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious

cult." - Rita Rudner

 

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current

events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of

late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are

often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry

 

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." -

Franklin P. Jones

 

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.

That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein

 

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog,

it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

 

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from

a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow.

They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" - Anne Tyler

 

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and

get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein