Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play

with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go

to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church, but only the janitor

was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and

play with us. Will you baptize us?"

 

"Sure," said the janitor.

 

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl,

one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

 

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do

you think we are?"

 

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water. We're

not Bablist because they dunk all of you. We're not Methdiss because they

just sprinkle you."

 

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

 

"Yes. What do you think that means?"

 

"That means we're Pisscopalians"

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

 

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe

courts, and some apple trees.

 

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over.

 

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some apples. As he neared the

pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

 

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in

his pond.

 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

 

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until l you leave!"

 

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked

or make you get out of the pond naked."

 

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

A recent survey was conducted.

 

"Why do men like blow jobs?"

 

10% like the feeling

 

12% like the dominance

 

78% like the silence

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

 

 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

 

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

 

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

 

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

 

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

 

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

 

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

 

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

 

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

 

 

 

Sincerely,

The Dog

Little doctor humor which is supposed to be for real.

 

 

 

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the

 

cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and

 

began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several

 

cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

 

 

 

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

 

 

 

 

 

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and

 

slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.

 

"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

 

 

 

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

 

 

 

 

 

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her

 

husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes

 

later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a

 

"massive internal fart."

 

 

 

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

 

 

 

 

 

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I

 

placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye

 

with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a

 

flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even

 

read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done

 

exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both

 

his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

 

 

 

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

 

 

 

 

 

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he

 

informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his

 

medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one

 

every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him

 

quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see .

 

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions

 

include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

 

 

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

 

 

 

 

 

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have

 

you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered...

 

"Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

 

 

 

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

 

 

 

 

 

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"

 

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to

 

the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman

 

produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

 

 

 

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

 

 

 

 

 

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple

 

hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and

 

wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had

 

acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was

 

completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic

 

hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep

 

off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon

 

wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow

 

the lawn."

 

 

 

and finally...

 

 

 

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing

 

female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a

 

habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing

 

this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked

 

up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She

 

replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an

 

Oscar Meyer Wiener".

 

 

 

Dr. wouldn't admit his name

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.

 

A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

 

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

 

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

 

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them."

 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and struggles to speak clearly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely "

 

"are... my... test...results...back?"

Facts Are Amazing........

 

Doctors:

 

 

(A) The number of doctors in the U.S. is 700,000

 

 

(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000

 

 

© Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%

 

 

Statistics courtesy of the U.S.Dept of Health & Human Services

 

********************************************************************************

**

 

Guns:

 

 

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (yes that's 80 million)

 

 

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500

 

 

© The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%

 

 

Statistics courtesy of the FBI

 

********************************************************************************

***

 

So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

 

********************************************************************************

***

 

Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.

 

********************************************************************************

***

 

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

 

********************************************************************************

***

 

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!

Which of the following would you choose to compete for the AMD. No Purchase necessary

got a PDA ?

 

do you use it for GPS ? or something else that is cool ?

 

do you run linux on it ?

 

tell us !

cheers

 

anyweb

So if alter hosting how do you transfer all those megs of MySQL databases...

 

First off you need to make a backup of the database(s). This can be done with various web clients however the command line is just as easy to use. So get into a shell on the hosting company (most its done via ssh).

 

Note:

HOST = MySQL server name probably 'localhost'

USER = your MySQL username

DATABASE = the name of the database that you are backing up.